Updatez

I’ve abandoned this blog for so long, but I’ve decided to come back.

My life is alright right now. I still hv no new friends although I’ve already been sec 3 for nine months. Maybe I have, maybe I don’t. I don’t really know how these people see me. I have acquaintances, but it could just be me that sees them this way cuz of my super high standards on defining a ‘friend’. Idk.

I want to take them by the neck and fling them to the wall smh, although I shall not reveal anything besides the fact no one did anything majorly wrong and that that was just a way of expressing a certain feeling(nth negative actually)idk how to describe.

Anyways this whole no friends thing is probably my fault. I highly suspect I have Avoidant Personality disorder and Cyclothymia. And I hope none of my classmates will find this blog.

I only consider someone a friend if I know for sure they take me seriously, fully understand and support me despite my mental issues and go out of their way to spend time with me. I guess that’s a lot to ask, especially since I can’t promise much if someone befriends me considering my mental issues. Although I can promise unconditional loyalty(unless you do something to hurt me and destroy any trust I have towards you), a listening ear and the ability to understand thanks to my own mental issues.

Along with the fact that it takes ages for me to open up. Some of my friends took roughly two years to even make me tell them about my depression. Some really quickly actually, but that’s because they have mental issues too and opened up first. 

I realised that I often get aloof if left alone for too long, and possibly rude if I feel vulnerable to cover that side of me. I’m too afraid of rejection and the possibility a potential friend might dislike me secretly but doesn’t tell me, since I do that to some people. But it takes alot for me to actually bother disliking someone, so yeah. I’ve grown so apathetic it’s… idk how describe. This is what Avoidant people are like.

This is so ironic, especially since I’m someone who writes stories and poetry.

It’s actually easy to get me to hate you btw. All you have to do is be an unreasonable, shallow, two faced jerk, or someone manipulative, or at least someone who doesn’t know what respect and personal space is. But if you do nothing for so long I’ve more or less forgotten I’ll be alright with you again. But how long it takes depends on what you did to me. If nothing really, I’ll forget really fast. If really alot, too much, I may never forgive you my entire life. But only one person has reached that level lol. I’m sure other people can too but this person has been destroying my life since the day I was born, so it’s literally 15 yrs of abuse so far. That’s why. 

To be honest, most of the time it’s me who spends all my time regretting over something I think I did years ago while the other person who I’ve been led to believe(by myself) that I’ve hurt them is like, huh but you’ve never upset me before?

I’m an extremely deep person and sees alot of things other people cannot. I guess that puts me out of their league, causing me to be distant with them sometimes. Some people, in their effort to make themselves feel as deep as I am will argue with a couple of points that doesn’t always make sense smh. I sound so superficial and arrogant haha but it’s true. You see, when I talk to my peers, including my friends, most people cannot even reach my level of thinking. Most are just so shallow I can’t stand them. Some can think along my lines, but cannot reach my level. But thankfully I know someone(someone way older, decades older than me) who can think even further than I can so I’ll just make do with talking deep stuff to him.

I feel so lonely. Recently I’ve taken to reading Murakami’s books. There’s something about his style and way his progresses his story that draws you in. He’s way older than I am and thinks a lot deeper(Even the person I know cannot reach his level) and inspires me to think things I may never have had I never read his books. This, in turn has been influencing my writing as well. I enjoy thinking these things because they’re so abstract, so beautiful, so carefully crafted. And most of the time I can’t even completely understand his story. I think I have a lot in common with Murakami tbh. We both are quiet, reserved people(Idk abt him but his main characters are usually super reserved, which says something)who thinks about too much abstract things for our own good. Also he probably has mental issues, given the way his description of depression and suicidal thoughts jump out of the page and start to take life. But he is far greater than me in thought and the beautiful way he crafts his tales. I’ve always wanted to be an author and was mainly inspired Erin Hunter’s warrior cat series, which I still enjoy as a casual read. But I don’t want to be an author like Erin Hunter, whose tales are just action and drama in a childish sense. I want to be like Murakami, whose stories are more about the abstract concepts behind them rather than the story itself. I find these concepts so interesting. In a way his books fill a void in me, because I can sometimes relate to his concepts so much.

Yeah I’m done spitting emo shit. Good bye. Will write another post when I feel like it.

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20 random facts abt me

1. I like blue

2. I love anime

3. I actually like both Yuri and Yaoi…actually mainly Shoujo Ai and Shounen Ai

4. But contrary to popular beliefs about people who like both, I’m not bisexual.

5. My favorite male anime character on 1 March 2017, 5.24P.M. is Matsuoka Rin

6. My favorite female anime character on 1 March 2017, 5.24P.M. is Akemi Homura

7. She has been my favorite anime character for more than a year

8. While Rin only became my favorite male recently

9. In the entire anime world, I admire Homura the most

10. I typed this after taekwondo

11. I’m bored right now

12. I love terrapins 

13. I have two terrapins, Karui and Ushio

14. I think I’m obsessed with terrapin arms

15. I keep touching terrapin arms

16. The scales on the arm is super cute

17. I’m so hungry right now

18. Tomorrow have common test 1

19. I promised myself to study hard

20. I hope I won’t procrastinate:(

New yearsss

Since it’s gonna be new year soon, I decided to write my new year wishes and pet peeves(why am I writing negative stuff anyway? Cos I’m too awesome jk):

New year wish: (UPDATES. Will indicate if wish has been fulfilled)

1. I want to watch as many good(not trashy like daybreak illusion) animes this year as possible(fulfilled.)

3. I want to FINALLY finish writing a novel for ONCE.

4. I want to score lots of As and improve in math and chinese:(

5.I want to survive my last NCC camp as a cadet without getting depressed:( (fulfilled)

6. I want to do better in NCC. But that’s like impossible cos my focus will shift even more to academics now that I’m upper sec so no time liao:(

7. Find a way to quickly fulfill my dreams:

  • Become a successful author with at least one book
  •  Do something that will significantly improve issues regarding animals: etc. Habitat loss, animal abuse 

AND THEN 

9. Get over my regrets

Pet peeves:

Two faced people who are like that not because they had no choice but because they did it out of malice

People who dk what is privacy and personal space and how impt it is to me 

People who look down/discriminate others

A letter to my future self

To my older self: Rosie

In the future, I probably have abandoned this blog. I probably have changed. A lot.

Hey, older Rosie. Are you still sad all the time? But still happy about it because you still find beauty in sadness that you just like feeling sad? I’m not sure. Change is inevitable. 

Hey Rosie, what school did you end up in? Poly? JC? I do hope it’s JC tho(hahahha). Did you manage to go to university and become a vet? Did you continue pursuing your ultimate goal in life? If you did, I’m glad. But if you didn’t, please, go back. Becoming a successful author–spreading my ideals and message thru my books…it’s the dream that I have carried until now while I’m typing this letter, for 5 years already. Please don’t give it up. Be like Naruto, never give up on your biggest dream. So if you have abandoned this dream, do go and get it back.

Rosie, are you still smiling everyday and laughing with your friends? Do you still have that ridiculous selective memory that finds remembering bad things so difficult? I hope you do, although it has caused me to lose some objects now and then. Rosie, are you still smiling through your teeth? If you are, go on. Fake it. Fake it. It’s the only way to reclaim just a teeny tiny bit of light that’s left in you, or have you already found salvation? 

Hey Rosie, when you look back, you most probably think I’m really stupid. I think that the myself in every year except today is very stupid. It happens every year. I want to run into a corner and hide my face whenever I think about my stupid sec one self. Hahha. You will probably find the me who longed so badly for the one she thought could give her light in her deep cold dark world really stupid. I still think like that now, but I’ll probably think differently in the future. 

Rosie, are you still melancholic? Do you still like fantasing about releasing your inner demon and then killing everyone in the world? I wish I can stop being so emo but hahaha I can’t tell myself to stop if my heart doesn’t want to. It’s part of me. But maybe you will be able to. 🙂 Maybe you’ll either find the one that can save your broken self, or be strong enough to find it yourself. If you weren’t able to, then that’s fine too. It’s all great, in its own way. 

Rosie, I don’t know if you’re happy now, and truly at peace. Or are you broken worse than ever, ready to grab a knife and kil whoever caused your despair? Or are you still that awkward girl who just sits alone at the side and stays melancholic? I don’t know.

But whatever you’re facing,  I don’t care. Just know that I admire you. No matter what you have become, no matter what you are –I believe in you. I believe you will become a famous author –or are you already?  Rosie,.listen. If you feel alone, if you feel like the whole world abandoned you, know that I won’t. I’m just a remnant of your past, but my memory will stay with you. My memory will make you stronger. I admire you wholeheartedly because you are the future me, someone I know will become great one day. So if you are sad, if you are depressed, don’t give up! Don’t you dare give up. Only do when you know it IS the right choice.

I have to stop typing now. I hope you’ll read this when I’m all grown up and adult. You probably think I’m a stupid immature teen. Whatever it is, please do listen you whatever I have said.

From your younger self,

Rosie

Silent emotions(a poem)

Since I am a poetry lover, I do occasionally write poems when I’m inspired.

This is the poem I wrote in chinese class. The name is Silent emotions. I took like the whole freaking period to write it ystd plus did some adjustments today as well so it shouldn’t be too bad…I’ll continue improving on it whenever I can and I’ll publish the updated versions. Abt poem analysis you can either use your lit skills and pray it’s correct or just dk what it’s abt, cos I’ll nv tell u. But I can give u a hint, and it’s that the persona is a girl who is sick of society’s rules. 

Nailbed History is a mere frosted window

And under a blue moon sunbeams may pass

Then it tears, a raining heart.

We rebelled sense, we rebelled life

Thus, whenever our empty globes meet

Deep in each other’s chasm

We become bleeding chicks and thus look away

But under a terrapin’s rock, 

I dream of your smile

The atmosphere is so chilly 

My soul is torn apart 

By incredible, yet cruel emotions 

Due to karma, denying our precious ties

But then a bloodcurling scream rings

Screaming at bones-heaped society 

To stop locking doors of happiness 

Condemning our chaotic souls

To wander endlessly, in despair