Updatez

I’ve abandoned this blog for so long, but I’ve decided to come back.

My life is alright right now. I still hv no new friends although I’ve already been sec 3 for nine months. Maybe I have, maybe I don’t. I don’t really know how these people see me. I have acquaintances, but it could just be me that sees them this way cuz of my super high standards on defining a ‘friend’. Idk.

I want to take them by the neck and fling them to the wall smh, although I shall not reveal anything besides the fact no one did anything majorly wrong and that that was just a way of expressing a certain feeling(nth negative actually)idk how to describe.

Anyways this whole no friends thing is probably my fault. I highly suspect I have Avoidant Personality disorder and Cyclothymia. And I hope none of my classmates will find this blog.

I only consider someone a friend if I know for sure they take me seriously, fully understand and support me despite my mental issues and go out of their way to spend time with me. I guess that’s a lot to ask, especially since I can’t promise much if someone befriends me considering my mental issues. Although I can promise unconditional loyalty(unless you do something to hurt me and destroy any trust I have towards you), a listening ear and the ability to understand thanks to my own mental issues.

Along with the fact that it takes ages for me to open up. Some of my friends took roughly two years to even make me tell them about my depression. Some really quickly actually, but that’s because they have mental issues too and opened up first. 

I realised that I often get aloof if left alone for too long, and possibly rude if I feel vulnerable to cover that side of me. I’m too afraid of rejection and the possibility a potential friend might dislike me secretly but doesn’t tell me, since I do that to some people. But it takes alot for me to actually bother disliking someone, so yeah. I’ve grown so apathetic it’s… idk how describe. This is what Avoidant people are like.

This is so ironic, especially since I’m someone who writes stories and poetry.

It’s actually easy to get me to hate you btw. All you have to do is be an unreasonable, shallow, two faced jerk, or someone manipulative, or at least someone who doesn’t know what respect and personal space is. But if you do nothing for so long I’ve more or less forgotten I’ll be alright with you again. But how long it takes depends on what you did to me. If nothing really, I’ll forget really fast. If really alot, too much, I may never forgive you my entire life. But only one person has reached that level lol. I’m sure other people can too but this person has been destroying my life since the day I was born, so it’s literally 15 yrs of abuse so far. That’s why. 

To be honest, most of the time it’s me who spends all my time regretting over something I think I did years ago while the other person who I’ve been led to believe(by myself) that I’ve hurt them is like, huh but you’ve never upset me before?

I’m an extremely deep person and sees alot of things other people cannot. I guess that puts me out of their league, causing me to be distant with them sometimes. Some people, in their effort to make themselves feel as deep as I am will argue with a couple of points that doesn’t always make sense smh. I sound so superficial and arrogant haha but it’s true. You see, when I talk to my peers, including my friends, most people cannot even reach my level of thinking. Most are just so shallow I can’t stand them. Some can think along my lines, but cannot reach my level. But thankfully I know someone(someone way older, decades older than me) who can think even further than I can so I’ll just make do with talking deep stuff to him.

I feel so lonely. Recently I’ve taken to reading Murakami’s books. There’s something about his style and way his progresses his story that draws you in. He’s way older than I am and thinks a lot deeper(Even the person I know cannot reach his level) and inspires me to think things I may never have had I never read his books. This, in turn has been influencing my writing as well. I enjoy thinking these things because they’re so abstract, so beautiful, so carefully crafted. And most of the time I can’t even completely understand his story. I think I have a lot in common with Murakami tbh. We both are quiet, reserved people(Idk abt him but his main characters are usually super reserved, which says something)who thinks about too much abstract things for our own good. Also he probably has mental issues, given the way his description of depression and suicidal thoughts jump out of the page and start to take life. But he is far greater than me in thought and the beautiful way he crafts his tales. I’ve always wanted to be an author and was mainly inspired Erin Hunter’s warrior cat series, which I still enjoy as a casual read. But I don’t want to be an author like Erin Hunter, whose tales are just action and drama in a childish sense. I want to be like Murakami, whose stories are more about the abstract concepts behind them rather than the story itself. I find these concepts so interesting. In a way his books fill a void in me, because I can sometimes relate to his concepts so much.

Yeah I’m done spitting emo shit. Good bye. Will write another post when I feel like it.

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